Naked Man Holds Up Mini-Mart
Hungover From New Years? Need Some Time Off Work?
If you’re reading this in jammies, Workbytes hopes you had a good excuse to stay home from work today.
If you didn’t, meet our new friend, Darl Waterhouse.
He was a casino security supervisor until about a year ago, when he and a buddy launched a money-making idea aimed at people who occasionally test employers’ absentee policies with fake illnesses, bogus car trouble and perfectly healthy dead relatives.
They got tired of the 9-to-4ish grind and decided to go into the excuse business. The result was myexcusedabsence.com, which they run from a home office in Thackerville, Okla. (municipal motto: “It would have been called ‘Slackerville,’ but the mayor had a lisp.”)
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For $19.95, Waterhouse will provide customers with the documentation needed to legitimize the “Big 3″ excuses people use to ditch work: I’m sick, I have jury duty, or my uncle/friend/spouse/dog died.
Just download an authentic-looking template, customize it, and print. In 10 minutes the slacker can go back to bed (or be on his way to the matinee at Big Earl’s) safe in the knowledge that his lame excuse will pass scrutiny from even the sharpest-eyed middle manager.
Doctor’s note? No problem. Funeral program? Creepy, but no problem. Jury summons? Name the county.
“We were trying to think of ways to get out of the rat race,” Waterhouse told Workbytes. “We knew that this was something people wanted, but no one was providing it.”
Their research included a CareerBuilder.com survey on office absenteeism that showed 43 percent of workers had called in “sick” at least once in the past year. The survey also found that 23 percent of fed-up managers had fired an employee who missed work without a legitimate reason.
“That’s just ridiculous, in my opinion,” Waterhouse said. “It’s crazy that people have to make up a reason to get time off, and then they face getting fired over it.”
Workbytes has determined there is a real need for Waterhouse’s services. Just check some of the excuses reported in the CareerBuilder survey. (Note: Most of these no doubt began with “Um …”)
-”I’m too drunk to drive to work.”
-”I accidentally flushed my keys down the toilet.”
-”My boyfriend’s snake got loose and I’m afraid to leave the bedroom until he gets home.”
-”I’m too fat to get into my work pants.”
-”My house lock jammed, and I’m locked in.”
Wednesday is the most popular day to call in with a fake excuse, the survey showed.
Meanwhile, 63 percent of managers said they get suspicious when an employee uses any reason — “I was abducted by terrorists, but I escaped about 5 p.m., so whatever you do, Don’t pay that ransom!” — to stay home on Friday or Monday.
“We don’t condone defrauding your employer,” said Waterhouse. “Our services are for entertainment purposes only, but we also know that people are going to do what they’re going to do.”
He theorizes that a lot of people are simply tired of long hours, low pay, and a lack of employer flexibility when they need to drive Mom to the pharmacist or attend Jennifer’s fourth-grade Christmas pageant. Also, he said, that’s probably why myexcusedabsence.com has racked up 1 million hits and drawn the ire of workplace experts like Dr. John Sadler, a psychiatry professor who also teaches ethics at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center.
Sadler told the Associated Press that fake doctors’ notes raise all sorts of thorny issues.
“I can’t speak for doctors in general, but for me this practice sounds awful,” he said. “This business practice seems comparable to the ways diploma mills and term papers online are wrongful.”
Sadler said people who miss work without a legitimate reason also put unfair pressure on their nonfibbing co-workers.
“I’d turn the rascal in,” he said.
Waterhouse knows he has detractors.
“People in my own family don’t like it,” he told Workbytes. “They say it’s immoral and this and that. But we all know that 99 percent of us has lied to get out of work.
“People think we’ve probably made a million bucks on this. We haven’t yet, but the potential is there. And we have some other stuff coming out in a couple of weeks.
“If they think it’s immoral now, just wait.” Source: Des Moines Register
What Happens When Graphic Artists Get Really Bored?
Don’t Glaze Me Bro: Latest Fashion Trend
Found at CafePress, the latest in “Don’t Glaze me Bro” Fashion wear, featuring this Messenger Bag, tshirts, sweatshirts, coffee cups, magnets and more. It’s a must have fashion statement.
The Top Ten Stupid Criminals of 2007
A policeman’s job is never easy, but dumb criminals make it somewhat easier. This list was whittled down from a much longer list of stories of the stupid things lawbreakers did this past year. These are in chronological order instead of rank. The dates are from the news stories; in some cases the crime itself happened earlier. Most of the links have accompanying video.
1. Lottery Thief Sets Himself on Fire
ROME, GA June 2
A convenience-store thief got away, but the video from the security camera told a strange, strange tale. A man broke into the store overnight, and tried to cover his tracks by burning the place down. He threw charcoal lighter fluid around, but by the time he ignited it, the fumes had permeated the store, and he set himself on fire. While in flames, he grabbed a roll of lottery tickets and fled. At the time of the story, police were looking for a man with facial, neck, and possibly wrist burns.
2. Ten Hours Stuck in Restaurant Vent
HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY, FL June 8
An employee of the Lucky Buffet noticed a strange sight on arriving at the restaurant. There were legs hanging out of a vent over the grill! 45-year-old Billy Jordan had tried to enter the restaurant the night before by climbing through the ductwork, but became stuck and stayed there for ten hours. Hillsborough County Fire Rescue workers used a rope to pull Jordan back out through the roof, after which he was arrested for burglary.
3. Immovable ATM
MILWAUKEE, WI July 27
Three men backed a stolen vehicle through the glass front of a gas station. Their intent was to steal an ATM. But they didn’t realize that ATMs are bolted to the floor. After some thought, they tied a rope around the machine and attched it to the vehicle, but still could not dislodge it. They left empty-handed. The ATM was still in working order the next day.
4. The Famous Duct Tape Bandit
ASHLAND, KY August 13
Police say Kasey Kazee entered Shamrock Liquors and attempted to rob the store. Employees were astonished that he had disguised his face by wrapping it in duct tape! The store manager chased him out with a baseball bat and an employee held him in the parking lot until police arrived. Police removed the duct tape after taking pictures, and arrested Kazee, who denied any memory of the incident.
5. The Sign of the Crime
ADLINGTON, ENGLAND September 6
Peter Addison and his friend Mark Ridgeway vandalized the Toc H centre, a children’s campsite building. They smashed crockery, set off fire extinguishers, and drew grafitti on the walls. Part of the grafitti said “Peter Addison was here.” Police found Addison through a computer database. Both teenagers pled guilty and were ordered to pay for the damage.
Inspector Gareth Woods, of Cheshire Police, said: “This crime is up there with the dumbest of all in the criminal league table.
“There are some pretty stupid criminals around, but to leave your own name at the scene of the crime takes the biscuit.”
6. He Didn’t See the Cop
LITTLE ROCK, AR September 7
21-year-old Langston Robins walked right past a uniformed police officer at the Metropolitan Bank and handed a robbery note to the teller. The unarmed would-be robber was arrested after a foot pursuit. Little Rock police spokesman Lt. Terry Hastings said:
“I just don’t know why he didn’t see a uniformed police officer standing basically right in front of him,” Hastings tells the Associated Press. “My guess is he’s just not the brightest of people.”
7. He Stole a Car to Turn Himself In
GENEVA, NY September 13
29-year-old Vincent Estrada Junior was pulled over because the car he was driving had been stolen from a parking lot. Estrada explained that he had stolen the car in order to drive to the Geneva City Police Department and turn himself in on a family court warrant! He didn’t make his destination, as police took him to the Ontario County Jail instead, where he was held on car theft charges.
(image credit: Ontario County Sheriff’s Office)
8. Burglar Falls Asleep Under Victim’s Bed
WHITLEY BAY, England September 17
Usually, the burglar robs the house while the victim is asleep, but in this story, the roles were reversed. 24-year-old Mark Smith sneaked into Heather Stephenson’s home, crept past her while she was ironing, and rifled through her belongings in the bedroom. Then he fell asleep under her bed. Mrs. Stephenson couldn’t wake him, and police officers had to drag him out from under the bed. Smith’s vodka and valium consumption were to blame. He received an 18-month sentence for burglary.
9. Cash My Million-Dollar Bill!
PITTSBURGH, PA November 9
A man flew into a rage at the Giant Eagle supermarket when employees refused to cash a million-dollar bill. 66-year-old Samuel Porter slammed an electronic machine on the counter and refused to give his name to authorities. He was then taken to the Allegheny County Jail. The largest bill currently in circulation is the $100 dollar bill.
Bonus: It happened again soon afterwards in Georgia!
(image credit: AP)
10. Carjacking at a Crime Scene
RALEIGH, NC December 11
There had been a stabbing, and police were on the scene talking to a woman who had been a witness to the crime. 38-year-old Anthony William jumped into the woman’s car and drove away! He was arrested the next day, easily identified by the cops who saw him steal the car.
Source: Neatorama
The JibJab Year in Review: 2007
The JibJab Year in Review: 2007
Meet the man with blue skin
PAUL Karason puts a whole new spin on “feeling blue”. For more than a decade, the 57-year-old has been living with a blue face.
Fourteen years ago, Karason developed a bad case of dermatitis, which results in swollen, reddened and itchy skin. He started self-medicating, using a treatment called colloidal silver, which is made by extracting silver from metal.
Often touted by manufacturers as a cure-all, colloidal silver usually is found in a liquid form. Looking for relief, Karason drank the concoction and rubbed it on his skin something the U.S. Food and Drug Administration does not recommend.
His skin slowly turned blue.
“The change was so gradual that I didn’t perceive it and other people around me likewise,” said Karason.
“It wasn’t until a friend I hadn’t seen in several months came by my parent’s place to see me and he asked me ‘what did you do?.’”
The FDA does not consider colloidal silver safe or effective to treat any disease or condition. In fact, taking it could have serious side effects, such as:
ARGYRIA which is an irreversible blue-gray discoloration of your skin, nails and gums
SEIZURES and other neurological problems
KIDNEY damage
INDIGESTION
HEADACHES
FATIGUE
SKIN irritation
Karason, who recently moved from Oregon to Californa, said it hasn’t been easy living with blue skin.
“I do tend to avoid public places as much as I can,” he said.
Roadkill Toys
Look folks … Roadkill Toys is now open for business and it may not be too late to give your favorite sociopath one for Christmas.
Actual Polar Bear Attack In Alaska
Bubba & Sons Construction Company
These men are concreting solid steel pillars to stop vehicles from parking on the pavement outside a sports bar downtown. They are cleaning up at the end of the day. How long do you think it will be before they realize where their vehicle is parked?